@SassyPantssss: I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
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@therealeatwood: JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences [60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated] COP: This baby camel is under arrest
@tiffinysawyers: Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
@TheMichaelRock: HR: You can't urinate outside. Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away? HR: Can you take a drug test? Me: Nope, I'm all out of urine
@Breadery: My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said 'resilient tortoise.' I've sent her in with one to give in return, 'patronizing hippo.'