@SassyPantssss: I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
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@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@bornmiserable: [me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn't specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
@Chumpstring: [blind date gets in car] Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch 'em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.