@SassyPantssss: I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
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@OwensDamien: I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
@juneohara65: I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a girl. Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.