“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
You Might Also Like
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
our love story in four pictures
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive