I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats