I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.