@JermHimselfish: I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself. It was super cute. Then the pig threw up all over her. Considerably less cute.
@daemonic3: [divorce court] ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@hythemafia: I've quit my new job as a postman..... .....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."