I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.