@JermHimselfish: I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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@AbbyHasIssues: How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner: Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
@AimeeHelene1: Ma'am...we're going to have to ask you to get off of the table. Ma'am... (me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
@KevinFarzad: Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.