I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
You Might Also Like
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.