@MoistPork: I just typed "relationship" and it came up "delusional" on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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@Crunk_Jews: So apparently when a woman asks what you're looking for in a relationship, "a way out" isn't the right answer.
@TheBoydP: The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
@iwearaonesie: *driving to the store*Lemons, lemons *inside the store* Lemons, Lemons *comes homes* wife:Did you get the apples? *drives back to the store*
@pleatedjeans: [approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE