I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
You Might Also Like
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?