I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Growing up was a huge mistake
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”