him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real