I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I put the p in pants.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”