@robyn_vo: I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.
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@CoopSoSarc: Walking out the door, my daughter tells me she can't wait to see Ariel with the crabs. Now I'm questioning which section I bought that DVD.
@pleatedjeans: Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?
@behindyourback: *at my funeral* Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets