@robyn_vo: I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed.
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@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@LeonEarlgrey: So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she's just pregnant.
@Paige__xxx: Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.