I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I…do not understand how electricity works.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing