Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.