I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
technically true but not a great slogan
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Jail
i love modern commerce
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them