@kirstiealley: I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

@Tmoney68: I'll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@SSDated: Me: *crawls in window* Him: What are you doing?! Me: You're my boyfriend now? Him: I'm calling the cops Me: But you retweeted me??

@mdob11: Me: I'm shy Tequila: Not anymore

@alive_and_dying: One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.