@fart: muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this

@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.

@tigersgoroooar: Yesterday CNN reported that "sitting will kill you, even if you exercise" and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@HorribleDancer: My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@3sunzzz: [trust fall exercise at work] CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN'T CATCH ME! M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.