@RocketRankoon: I'm not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like 'my dog is cute' and mine would be all cool like 'I love you Susan'

@Blue_Crab: ADHD is ADD in high definition.

@SexySillyGrl: Your honor, I second that motion Judge: Ma'am, I'm simply reading your husband's request to be cremated

@BGH70: When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna. That's too much death in one bag.

@BrickCh4News: "A black man follows me when it's sunny outside. When it's cloudy, he goes home." "Brick, that's your shadow."