@The1WhosCrazy: "MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"

@OBiiieeee: If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

@stephenjmolloy: [First date] Sarah: I'm a twin. Me: Do you know what each other are thinking? *meanwhile across town* Sue: Sarah's date isn't going well.

@DeadLioness: Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

@BigRadMachine: I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.