I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
me when the borders lift
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant