“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dear Lord..
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!