I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.