I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
You Might Also Like
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.