I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die