My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.