@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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@PandAmonnia: "YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*
@lucidchemistry: I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.