I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked