@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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@Lisa_Laughs_: I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.
@TheNardvark: Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga's wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that's the dress code.
@RexHuppke: When the priest says "Body of Christ" I say "Thanks, I've been working out." Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.