@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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@jackmackenroth: I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites' heroin addiction.
@mstluvstrinkets: Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd's asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
@Tmoney68: Why don't those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?
@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.