@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: were you even listening to me? Me: no Wife: then what did I just s...wait, what? Me: I said no Wife: I'm not sure what to do now
@GrandadJFreeman: *painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
@bobvulfov: CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
@Mr_Kapowski: Him: This house is perfect for us! Her: What about the kids? Him: You're right. We'll have to put them up for adoption