@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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@abbycohenwl: I never thought I'd meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
@bornmiserable: [takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
@ryangriffiths: People that say "The worst kind of cut is a paper cut" probably haven't been stabbed in the face before.