I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
New favorite tiktok
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.