Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.