The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
get you a girl who
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
When you let grandma cat sit
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Life with a cat in one tweet
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off