Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.