I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
john wicks are toilet candles
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
NASA has no chill
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
So we got a goldfish…
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.