I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Mission: Impossible
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha