I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.