I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Does it…does it take 3 days
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.