I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
You Might Also Like
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.