I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…