I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie