I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
You Might Also Like
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me too door. Me too.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My favorite type of men is ramen.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes