I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I love art.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no