@E_lok44: I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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@Underchilde: My parents are in town and said they’d be at my house in ten minutes, and I’m wondering if that’s enough time to build a moat.
@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
@UrbanDouchebag: Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "Actually sir, we have you on camera."
@StinkyGr33n: Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today: Me: What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye? Him: I give up Me: A terrorst