@E_lok44: I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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@jdforshort: I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that's when I was asked to leave Costco. THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage
@briancthayer: Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
@KentWGraham: ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
@StephenAtHome: The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.