I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.