I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
lmao
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”