I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
You Might Also Like
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”