I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.