@briangaar: I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
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@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME! UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right? ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
@Jennuflect: [At a 5 star restaurant] *gestures at entire menu* Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
@LaniBeno: Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.