I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A fake ID that makes you younger
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra