@Mindless4Miles: I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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@Goddamnit_Jason: BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.
@iwearaonesie: girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at
@phaggots: [ouija board] Spirits im in need of your help O N L Y I F Y O U H E L P U S Sure W T F I S Y O U R W I F I P A S S W O R D
@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan