I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Pot warmers of the day.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me