@simoncholland: I just want to be rich enough that I don't have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.
@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@einsteinsexual: Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I'm driving, it's an Asian person.