I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
All excellent questions
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit