I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.