I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.