I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Don’t we all.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.