@LizHackett: I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like "If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit."
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@SortaBad: If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
@amyjcordova: Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light
@the_hawlk: SECURITY GUARD: "Sir, I have to check all backpacks" ME: "ok" *opens backpack* *its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*