@LizHackett: I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like "If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit."
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@iLikeCatShirts: It's that pottery scene from Ghost except it's me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
@matt___nelson: [start of interview] Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere* Interviewer: ...welcome to BP
@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?