I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun