I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?