I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…