I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
reminder
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”